I Hate You, Melissan!
Bitch, quit hiding behind all your summoned monsters and your elemental prince and fallen solar friends and your globe of blades and come and face me! Scared? I, the most powerful of the Children of Bhaal, Lord of Murder, shall be your end this day! Do you hear me? I’ve had more than enough of you. This ends here.
Ow! Hey, that’s mean! You’ll pay for that, just as soon as I’ve finished guzzling all sixteen potions of healing I have right here. You have got to be the sorriest foe I’ve faced thus far, you gigantic strumpet! You’re pathetic.
You’re not even an interesting villain. What, blind lust for power? Is that all you’ve got? Sure, Jon Irenicus was a bit of a crybaby, but at least he had motivations other than an “I Heart Murder” license plate. At least while I was chasing him across, through, and literally under all of goddamned Faerun I could occupy myself with contemplating how, beneath his snobby British mad scientist exterior, he was really an emo MySpace kid with pictures of the elven Queen taped to the inside of his locker.
Whereas you had nothing but your stupid twist. “Oh, I’m Melissan and I guide you to each Bhaalspawn you have to kill and I’m real nice, but then it turns out I’m going to slay you and steal your essence.” As if we all didn’t know you were a fucking bitch from the beginning!
Oh my god! You killed all my friends, you filthy whore! Quick, resurrect them! Minsc! Jaheira! Imoen! Haer’Dalis! Well, okay, maybe not Haer’Dalis, but I’ll still get you for killing him. It’s the principle of the thing.
What kind of a name is Melissan, anyway? All it is is Melissa with a goddamned random consonant on the end of it. What is that, supposed to strike fear into my very soul? And don’t think that putting it back to Amelyssan the Blackhearted changes anything. We’re always going to remember that you sucked at choosing aliases.
Melissan Joan Hart, fucking Priestess of Murder.
I don’t care if you are a Deathstalker and Bhaal’s formerly most trusted servant. Your history is probably so lame that Bioware didn’t even bother to make it up for you, and you’ve lived your whole life in the shadow of people who were born to be better than you at the one thing you’re good at: killing. That’s right, my Dad is the owner and CEO of Murder Ltd., and I’m his bratty kid that lounges by the pool and gets bitchin’ cars for my birthday, and you’re nothing but his fucking secretary. Chew on that while you’re ripping my intestines out from my eye sockets, you fat cow!
Ouch! Dammit! Dammit! Dammit!
A Black Sheriff? I Mean, Princess?
Although it’s not exactly hot news anymore, I just have to weigh in on The Princess and the Frog. I find Disney’s animated movies to be absolutely fascinating, minus the dungbombs of the last several years, so I’m holding my breath that this one will be worthwhile.1 I’m glad that they’re attempting a return to 2-D animation, since it’s what Disney has always done well, and I would sincerely miss it if it were to disappear forever from the face of mainstream Western entertainment. It’s also gratifying to see that they’ve finally taken the plunge and made a black princess already–and that’s the part that’s gotten everybody riled up.
She's not really sure about this, and frankly, neither are we.
So what’s the big deal? Well, a princess, especially a Disney princess, is socially speaking so much more than the daughter of royalty (and really, the royalty thing is sort of optional). What really counts is that she’s the most beautiful woman in the world, and therefore, in the politics of our culture, the most powerful woman in the world. Little girls love Disney princesses because they are a vision of their ultimate goals. It may sound depressing, but it’s less so if you think about it on a symbolic level: it’s not beauty in and of itself that they desire, but the power over others that it brings. Well, maybe that’s still depressing. But little boys have the same goals only focusing on different means (strength, super powers), so it’s kind of even.
In short, Tiana up there has been carefully crafted by Disney, the gatekeepers of the sacred Princess Archetype, and we should give them a little credit for finally crossing a line they’ve been afraid to for at least fifteen years. And in true Disney fashion, they’re clearly taking great pains to do it while stepping on as few toes as possible.
Of course, Disney claims that creating a black princess is an idea that came about “organically” one day when they were all thinking about how great a town New Orleans is. I don’t believe that for even a second. They’ve known for years that they needed a black princess, but they were waiting until it was safe.
Okay, that’s a little unfair. They announced this film way back in 2007. But it’s true that Disney is always more comfortable in the wake of the cutting edge when it comes to social change. It represents the mainstream, and so in its own way this film is a very good sign for race relations.
What’s interesting is there appears to be a divided response among the demographic at issue. Some black people are quite offended by what they’ve seen so far, whereas others don’t see a problem. This probably says more about our current societal state than it does about the film, but then again I’ve always felt that the primary value of Disney films is in their reflection of contemporary cultural values. They act sort of as entertainment time capsules, and The Princess and the Frog is sure to be a fascinating addition, charged as it is. I for one can’t wait to see it.
- Pixar’s films absolutely do not count. I don’t care who owns who, creatively Pixar and Disney are completely different beasts. [↩]
