I spend a lot of time complaining about fantasy on this blog, and it probably looks like I hate the stuff. Of course, I love the fantasy genre, I just hate most of what’s in it (because I love the fantasy genre). Recently I sat down and watched a fantasy movie that did a lot of things right, so I figured I’d better yak about it here, just to add some balance. Oh, and this post has plenty of spoilers, so consider yourself warned.

The film I watched? Dragonslayer. Sure, it takes a few too many cues from Star Wars, but what do you expect? It was the eighties, and those movies had just finished blowing everyone’s mind. And sure, the subject matter is inherently cheesy, but the story is well-told and even the dialogue, often bad in this sort of film, is generally cleverer than you would expect. Okay, maybe the hero is a weenie-bitch whose gains in confidence only make him into more and more of an annoying jerk, but…well, I’m not really going to defend him. He’s the worst thing about this movie.

There he is on the right.

Despite everything I’ve said, I still like this movie, goddammit. There are just so many perfect little fantasy touches that make it all worthwhile. The setting is, to me, what every fantasy setting should be: stunning natural beauty plus acute human misery. The peasants work their asses off in their fields and shops, while their King, wearing gold-embroidered robes, sits in a drafty castle next to a dwarf dressed as a jester and a freaking wolfhound. This isn’t a world of kind, just rulers and gaily singing serfs. This world is one where the common folk live in fear of terrible wild beasts on one side and tyrannical bureaucratic governments on the other. A world in which people are cold, hungry and dirty, a world of greasy fires and woolen clothing and crumbling stone towers. A proper fantasy world without a Calvin Klein model in sight. This is how you do medieval fantasy, kids.

There are so many things about this movie where they just had the right idea. The plot is a cross between the “Saint George and the Dragon” and “Sorcerer’s Apprentice” legends, a naturally awesome mix. There’s a sacrificial virgin who actually tries really hard to get away before getting made into barbecue, and a princess who is noble, pure, and beautiful, but gets her feet gnawed off by baby dragons anyway. The hero’s dragon-slaying weapon is not a sword, but a supremely bad-ass lance forged by the local blacksmith. It’s really nice to see a fantasy avoid the whole “speshikal magical god-sword” trope for something that’s more down to earth, but is all the cooler for it.

Not to mention that his dragon-slaying weapon actually fails to slay the dragon. What does work is to turn his dead mentor into a freaking wizard-bomb and blow the dragon apart in mid-flight. Then, while its bloody, smoking corpse is laying on the ground, the jerk of a King shows up and takes credit for all of it while the heroes say “fuck this shit” and ride off in a random direction, letting him have his petty empire with his fascist monarchial propaganda. This definitely qualifies as one of my favorite endings to any fantasy film, ever. Not everyone is saved. The dragon is dead, but that isn’t the end to all problems. People are just going to have to do the best they can in this unfair world–an unfair world with awesome pulley-based technology and stunning vistas.

It almost makes all this social oppression and backbreaking labor worthwhile.

So while Dragonslayer may be only vaguely remembered as a minor fantasy classic that people enjoyed for the cool visuals and little else, I would like to give it props for its gritty, troubled world. If adopted, that trope alone would be a vast improvement to so many of the bland and whiny fantasies of today. I wish I’d seen this movie a long time ago.